A Cold Winter Sun
by Angel of Fire SG1
Summary: It just brought back what had laid dormant for the last two years, and it hurt. Spoilers for Ripple Effect, DanielJanet


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A Cold Winter Sun

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Sam watched from the door as Daniel sat in the corner of his office. He'd taken his glasses off and his eyes, while staring at his computer screen, weren't focused on it, they were off somewhere else with his mind, most likely replaying some past event over and over in his mind.

One arm hung limply to his side while the other he was resting his head on, as though it was far too heavy for him to hold up on its own. He wore a blank expression that she knew was hiding pain he didn't want to show. When he got like this he forgot to sleep and he'd snap at people for no reason…

But she thought she knew what was wrong.

Walking over to him she sat down next to him. He didn't move even an inch, not acknowledging her presence in any manor.

"You miss her," Sam said quietly.

Daniel's faced creased, but for a few moments he continued staring forward, then he blinked and slowly moved his head to look at Sam. "What?"

"Janet," Sam said.

Daniel blinked a few more times and continued looking at her. "Sorry, I wasn't listening the first time…"

"You miss her…" Sam repeated.

"Well don't you?" Daniel asked, looking confused.

"Yeah, but Daniel I'm not sitting in my room staring blankly at a computer screen two years after it happened…"

Daniel looked back at the screen and then at Sam. "Was I? Well I suppose I was…it's just weird seeing her like that, you know?"

Sam nodded placing a hand on Daniel's shoulder. He'd returned to staring at the screen, and she could hear him replaying her death in his mind, and that's when she realised what it was – Daniel had cared for Janet a lot more than he'd ever admitted, a lot more than a friend should.

She'd assumed he'd been hit the hardest because he'd been there, that the reason he'd changed for so long was because he'd seen it. But watching him now it became clear to her that there was another reason someone withdrew like he had.

She'd never thought about it, never noticed it, and she wondered why that was? Maybe because she was too caught up in her own personal life to notice what was going on with two of her best friends. She felt guilty for her ignorance.

"Why do they all die…" he whispered, it wasn't a question. "Everyone dies, Sam."

Boy did she know that feeling…

"Mom, Dad, Sha're, Janet…hell I even miss Vala," his voice was louder now, and he turned to look at Sam his eyes focused now, but angry. "And why did I have to see it all? It's always right there in front of me, it's like destiny is making sure I see those moments played over and over in my mind. The exhibition falling, Teal'c's staff weapon going off, the blast…"

He stopped as the words became too difficult to speak and his let his eyes fall to his desk.

"The only person who ever cared for me and didn't die I didn't even take the time to notice…until she was a Goa'uld," Daniel's jaw was clenched tight.

Sam could only assumed he was talking about Sarah. She reached across and put her arms around her friend, holding him.

"There will be a chance, Daniel," she whispered. "I know how you feel and trust me, eventually your chance will come."

"That doesn't change the past," he said quietly, pulling away from any physical contact. "You'd think I would've learnt by now to take the opportunity when it's there…but I never do. I want to go back in time Sam, I want to tell Janet how much I cared, I've wanted that for so long, and today she was here…well not her…but a version of her. And she was the same, she was Janet, and I heard her, I felt her, she was real…and she's gone again…it's like losing her all over again."

"I know," Sam said. "Trust me Daniel I know…"

"I know that's supposed to comfort me but it doesn't," Daniel said, putting his glasses back on. "So if you'll excuse me I have work to do…"

He stood up and walked out of his office, leaving Sam astonished at his sudden change in attitude, but not surprised. She looked over at his computer screen and moved the mouse to remove the screen saver - she found an old photo of him with Janet and Cassie that had been taken one weekend while all of them had gone to the zoo.

He'd never forget, but she knew eventually the past would be just that.

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End file.
